5 Bizarre Parts of Christianity That Are Going Away Forever
As someone who was once happily immersed in the evangelical Christian lifestyle, who went to church three days a week (while in college), who signed a contract (at age 12) promising never to drink or do drugs or have sex before marriage, who self-censored mainstream secular music for a whole year and still can't hear "Hotel California" without getting the heebie-jeebies (because of Satanism, duh), my perspective on hardcore fundamentalism comes from a place of love and honest reflection. How can you not love people who want nothing more than to keep you from spending eternity negotiating a lake made of fire? The whole gist of evangelical Christianity is that they like you and want you to hang out with them in heaven someday. Some of them are just more terrible than others at expressing their feelings.
#5. Horrifying Old-School Gospel Tracts
This is why evangelical Christians approach their faith with more urgency than other religious people. In their eyes, invading your sense of privacy or Facebook feed is a small inconvenience compared to living through an eternity separated from God. And back in the '70s and '80s, no one got that urgency better than Jack Chick. Chick had a really good idea -- use comic book art to explain the Gospel in simple books that Christians could pass out to nonbelievers. I can't overstate what a huge innovation the Chick tracts must have been for shy Christians who wanted to win souls for Jesus but didn't want to actually talk to people. The problem was that even though Chick had a great idea, he was certifiably crazy.
I don't mean "he's super religious so I'm dismissing him" crazy. I mean "he thinks the literal Devil in his physical form murders children on Halloween night" crazy.
If the Catholic Church is "The Great Whore" and "Satan's Prostitute," what am I doing with these face tattoos saying the same thing?
Picture an 8-year-old child cherry-picking the parts of the Bible that sound the most like plot points in a video game that his mom won't let him play, and you've got the Chick mindset nailed down pat. Scratch that. Picture a crazy 8-year-old cherry-picking the parts of late-night HBO movies that he caught glimpses of when his babysitter thought he wasn't looking, because Chick was definitely into some freaky stuff that has nothing to do with the Bible. Stuff like Voodoo:
And Freemasonry was really about worshiping a dude named Baphomet:
Thanks to Chick, little Christian children never need to pick up a Stephen King book to know true horror.
#4. Stupid Christian Parody Shirts
Show of hands: How many of you accepted Christ into your hearts after reading the text of a passive-aggressive shirt or bumper sticker? Be honest, we're all friends here. This is a safety zone. No one? Not one person in the history of the universe has ever changed religions because of a parody T-shirt? Get out of town and take your lying devil mouths with you.
For some Christians, every moment is an opportunity to share their faith with nonbelievers. But they don't want to be so serious that they come across as "holier than thou" preachers, thus the parody Christian T-shirt was born. The formula is simple: Steal the logo of a well-known brand, reword it so it loosely references your faith in the most ham-fisted way possible, maintain order when the Gospel- and comedy-starved crowds inevitably form. This shirt, for example, takes the Tide logo and uses it to explain how the wearer is washed in the blood of the Lamb (another name for Christ), a concept that's not at all horrifying or alienating to nonbelievers.
Parody Christian shirts are especially effective if they're edgy and hilarious in a timely way.
It's funnier if you picture Jesus doing the "whassup" tongue thing at the same time.
#3. Utterly Insane Church Pageants
Case in point, this homegrown maelstrom of insanity begins with Hans and Franz impersonators and ends with WrestleMania Jesus.
#2. Guilt-Inducing Postcards from Sunday School Teachers
So you're a guest at church, you hand over your personal information, then a few things happen next. Knowing that getting mail is like getting a full-sized Snickers bar in your Halloween bag, Sunday School teachers are sure to send child visitors a postcard over the next week or two. If you become a regular attendee, those postcards are going to start to sound like an abusive boyfriend when you miss church.
#1. Unfortunate Christian Album Art
To be fair, 99 percent of album art from the days when album art was an unironic thing was terrible. But if you've ever spent five minutes in the album section of Goodwill, you'll notice a weird trend: Most of the albums look like they were recorded by 700 Club groupies. I don't mean a few of the albums -- I mean most of history's recorded albums were made by weird-looking church people. It's almost like anyone who stepped foot in a church between 1950 and 1975 got a recording contract. And their album art was usually a family photo from Sears.
When I say there was a time when anyone could record a gospel album, I literally mean anyone. You could just blurt out whatever thoughts spewed from your mouth and call it a testimony. Albums were like blogs back then. For example, here's Danny Allender's LiveJournal:
What do you want, Danny? A cookie?
What some groups lacked in looks, they made up for in repetition, like good ol' what's-their-names:
I'm sorry, I missed your names. Could you repeat that?
There was one trend in Christian music that never quite sat right with me. Riddle me this: How does the art of ventriloquism translate to a strictly audio format? After you answer that question, explain why Christian evangelists were once so reliant on puppets to do their dirty work. Third and finally: WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
I don't even know how to break this to you, but the generations who came before us were so out of their freaking minds that they thought manipulating puppets while preaching Jesus was a great idea. Not just a great idea -- the best idea. And the people doing the funny voices and making the dolls wiggle were adults, mind you. Not just any adults, old adults. With gray hair and black-rimmed glasses and scripts they were following. Which only makes these pictures sadder.
I know Jesus would disapprove of that tie/pant combo.
At the heart of the Puppets 4 Jesus mania was a woman named Marcy Tigner. A woman who just wanted to use her trombone and unnaturally childlike voice to please the Lord. That is, until someone mentioned her childish voice would sound better coming from a puppet rather than a middle-aged woman. Little Marcy was born.
Which one is Little Marcy? All of them.
In what must have been a very Ursula/Ariel moment, Big Marcy handed over her singing voice to Little Marcy and never got the spotlight again. Here she is, barely disguising her contempt for her new master.
Little Marcy wouldn't call the album Marcies, and Big Marcy is fuming.
In the end, Big Marcy ceased to exist and Little Marcy took over, just like we always knew she would.
And, ultimately, isn't this the message of evangelical Christianity? Aren't you supposed to be a vessel for Christ to work through, like a puppet or a person who no longer exists as themselves but is a literal house for Jesus? Didn't Galatians 2:20 say something like the same thing: I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
With one silly gimmick, Little Marcy and Big Marcy nailed the whole Christianity thing. So who am I to judge?
Turns out I was Little Marcy all along.
Kristi is a senior editor and columnist for Cracked. For more from her, check out past articles hereand and follow her on Twitter or Facebook. Additionally, this article could not have been possible without our friends at Christian Nightmares.
